Headed Back and Letting Go

My fifth grader is headed back to un-zoom schooling to be motivated by three-dimensional mentors and curious curators.

Thank god and thank you to educators everywhere, live and virtual. My appreciation runs deep for your gifts as I learned I was not up to the task of remote learning assistant. I knew I was in trouble when I’d say things like, “Just finish your math, and it's TikTok and gummy bears for dinner!” So, thank you for ending my tenure as possibly the worst teacher’s aide of all time. If I were grading my efforts on a curve, it would be an S-curve, spinning out of control and careening toward the ditch.

“Dad, I can’t get on!”
“Why not?”
“Wi-FI!!!!”
“OK, call Comcast and ask them to calculate a rebate for a 5th-grade do-over?”

Maybe your kids promptly informed you of technical difficulties, busted links, sign-in problems ... but my child chose a more subtle alert method, sometimes referred to as lying and not caring. And I could hardly blame her, but I did. That said, I’m not sure if I’ve fully recovered from PTSPLFS (Post-Traumatic-Stress-Perpetual-Link-Finding) issues.

All this to say remote learning was not our best groove. But now that she’s heading back, I have a more nuanced matter I need to take up, and what better forum than social media to falsely accuse, point out in the abstract, and create petty arguments? Let’s go!

I’m struggling to forgive the handful of proud parents who innocently blurted, “Ya know, my kids are doing great with remote learning.” Keep in mind, this was said to a parent whose most proud moment came from helping his kid cheat on Kahoot. I wonder if they noticed my eye twitch, or my tic-tac style popping of Prilosec. If you don’t know Prilosec, it’s an antacid to relieve heartburn and something that none of these parents needed because their kid is a level 4 expert slash consultant on Google Classroom.

And I’m aware it may take years, as in maybe never, before jealousy subsides over the parents lucky enough to have self-motivated kids with a bottomless pit of grit, fire, drive, and the joy of uploading. Now, this clearly is a case of "same world, different outcome" but I was shocked at my inability to fake it, evidenced by my dull trauma stare-antacid burp-quick exit. Better to remove yourself from a situation than start cursing in public, I always say.

Someday I’ll find my way over to, “I’m happy for you” and mean it. But for now, all I can muster is “I’m happy for you.” Until then, it’s nice my kid is off TikTok and I’m saving a little cash on gummies.

Thank you, Educators, everywhere.